Were you aware that February is Relationship Wellness Month? How healthy and well are your relationships feeling lately? Chances are, the health and wellness of your relationships is directly correlated with how effectively you communicate. How do you handle the difficult conversations? Before you react to a troublesome relationship, here’s some tips to walking through some of those tougher discussions you just can’t avoid, whether they take place in the bedroom or the boardroom:

Sort out what happened. Just the facts, ma’am. What’s your story here? Are you aware how you get your information? Past experiences? Rules? What’s THEIR story? What might have been their motivation to behaving as they did? What impact has the situation had? What have you each contributed to the problem? Conflict cannot occur without collaboration between parties.

Explore your emotions. There is usually more than one emotion in play with relationships, and being aware of your "emotional footprint" that you experience can help you have the conversation with your partner that you really want to have.

Is it a battle worth fighting? What’s your purpose in having the conversation? I’m constantly surprised by the lack of deliberation couples use. Why are you saying what you are saying? What are hoping to accomplish? And to quote my fellow UNT grad Phil McGraw: how’s that dog hunting? No, wait…how’s that working for ya? Right. Is this the best way to achieve your goal in the relationship? If you don’t bring it up, how can you assure you actually let the matter go and not store it like toxic waste to fester?

The problem is just difference between stories. When talking with your partner, start by talking about the differences in your stories, not who’s right and wrong. Share the reasons you feel the need to have the conversation. Make the issue the problem, not your partner…and invite him or her over to help solve it.

Reflect, validate, empathize. Repeat. Are you curious about your partner’s story? If not, you may have more serious relationship problems than communication skills. If you have trouble acknowledging your partner’s feelings behind their communication, you’re going to have trouble figuring out how the two of you have gotten to the point at which you are. You can share the past experiences than impact your current feelings, your intentions, your emotions. But keep reframing what your partner is giving you in order to keep them interested in your point of view as well.

Lastly, remember: it’s impossible to utilize communication to manipulate another into liking us, doing what we want, or keep them happy. Some conversations are just ones in which you pull out the grenade pin and toss that sucker in. But it’s also helpful to remember if you refuse to have the important conversation, you’ve still got a live grenade. You’re just holding it in your hand instead of throwing it out there.

 

Eliska Counce has a lot of difficult conversations and is a licensed professional counselor and Director of Transforming Tomorrows Counseling Center, located on the historic downtown McKinney square. Eliska is a holisitic practitioner and emphasizes focus on body, mind, and spirit in order to return to wellness. Read more about Eliska and her decade of experience in Collin County’s mental health arena at her website: www

What strategies have you tried to raise your self esteem? Consider these strategies. Have you tried them in the past? If so, were they effective? What strategies have you not tried you would be willing to try?

Change your thought process. When you change your mind about what should and ought to be, you liberate yourself.

Measure and focus on your past successes. Chances are you've made it out of tougher situations well.

Believe in yourself.

Give yourself credit for your accomplishments. Somedays, a shower is a major achievement.

Do something you find scary or hard.

Be determined to get something different out of life. Do you really want to be run by the weakest, needies parts of you?

Affirm yourself. You're your own best cheerleader, comforter, and colluder.

Accept yourself as is. You are not a tomato, needing to ripen and improve. You don't need to become anything. You are already there.

Do your best. At all times.

Adopt self discipline.

Lower your perfectionsistic standards. Sometimes "good enough" works just fine.

Chill out and know that things change. Don't personalize it.

Focus on the positive. Even chained to a wall you can find a way to have fun pretending to be Ghandi.

Live one day at a time. Or an hour. Or five minutes at a time. Sometimes, one breath at a time.

Believe your press. When others affirm you, accept and believe it.

Realize you've never quit...you're still hard at work working it out.

Partition yourself off from bad memories. Don't sign off on your story.

And remember! Comfort is NOT self-esteem. The acclaim of others does not create self esteem. It resides in the core of your being. It is what YOU think about you, not what others think about you. Live consciously and to your values, and you live with integrity...with the lovely side effect of great sef image.

Well, I've just gotten back from my television debut! In the next few days, I'll post a link to my briefest-of-the-brief appearance on the April 28th edition of Good Morning Texas here as soon as it's available. I am partnered with momsoutloud.com (I love to write inspirational articles for my moms!)  who asked me to talk about the great Mom's Night Out event happening on May 7. Register for the free event with North Texas Kids Magazine, and you get a free movie (Matthew McConaughey!) as well as some great mom fellowship. Popcorn! Swag! And best of all, all your gently used baby clothes, supplies and items...as well as any baby food you'd like to donate...goes to support Alley's House, a support agency for teen mothers. So...get your ME time and help other, less fortunate moms next Thursday! Head out to the Addison Movie Studio Grill for some fun that also reflects your values.

But the real message for today is about fear. So many of you struggle with fear; indeed, most of us aren't really aware of how much we operate from a center of fear. Everyone asked me, "Are you nervous about being on TV?" The answer was really no. Despite the fact I am a natural ham, I have learned that fear and anxiety are really about what we tell ourselves. In the time leading up to my time at ABC, I was careful not to worry about anything I couldn't immediately do something about. To stay in the moment is to conquer fear...and I have to say I felt pretty good getting my close up. I took care of details as it was time to do so, and I was prepared. I let God handle the weather and the traffic...and now it's behind me.

Eradicate your fear, dearest reader. Most of it is about what has already happened or what might happen in the future. Choose to be hear now and improve everything about how your perform. You feel pretty darn good on the other side.

Until next time, I am wishing you all peace.

Hello, dear reader!

I am so happy to introduce the newest function to my website...a blog! See, even tired old Mommies can join the 21st century...although sadly (and unlike the rest of the universe, evidently), you may not follow me on Facebook or Twitter. You can log on to mckinneynews.net starting next month, though, and follow my new series on living your best life in a holisitic way.

What's this blog all about? Well, it's for clients past and present to keep up with me or get an idea about who I am in order to determine whether or not your time would be well spent with me. I'll be offering insights into the challenges I face and the ways I attack the issues in my own life. In other words...I hope this will be another tool to enable you to bounce back and make peace.

World, I love you! Thanks for having me. I'll be checking in here regularly...namaste!

Coming soon...words of wisdom concerning making peace and bouncing back. Stay tuned!